am i dreaming?
i go to sleep with a sunflower flask and clouds of smoke circling my head.
i open my eyes to disorientation and
a sharpied dick on my back.
i have nothing to say to that.
i am not particularly surprised.
no one is.
we circle our reality
in late nights and missed mornings.
we feel good,
until we don’t.
until we are coked up on the bathroom floor.
until i am tracing the bags under my eyes with glitter.
until i see my dinner for the second time.
until i wake up to missed calls and desperate texts.
i don’t worry because it’s an easy fix
the stress-anxiety-confusion-dread from that night
disappears in a haze tonight.
i do it all again,
we all do.
and i feel good.
really good.
i feel electric—on fire.
i feel one with every minuscule blade
of grass that feels the sun in the morning
and traces the stars by night.
i feel a sunflower bursting inside of me,
i open my eyes to galaxies of smiles.
in this state, and most
i fall for any embrace.
i chase after any symbol of love.
i stalk affection and turn away
as soon as it is in sight.
i have a hard time severing myself from those around me
they are a part, a faction, a split second
of who i am.
they surround me with personalities distinct and unintelligible.
they go by different names.
i go by different names.
sometimes i am willa.
i embody her soundless struggles
and hushed need for a silent embrace.
i love her as she explores me.
other times i am amani.
i am full of emotions.
i hate, i love, i feel, i ignore.
i touch others with the kind of kindness that
blossoms with time.
that grows stronger every second.
i kiss her forehead and see stars.
then again i am emiko.
i blush and i smile and i joke and i shop.
i look at beautiful things,
i look in the mirror.
i take my bashful love and turn it into forever.
she sings to my soul.
when i lie down with the intention to sleep i cannot.
these pillars of my soul keep my mind racing.
how did a clumsy, caffeinated, catastrophe find solace
so easily.
how did i fall so lovingly into their arms.
i exist in these daydream moments,
never fully alive,
until i am floating above or collapsing below.
but even then i don’t know who i am.
who’s life i’m living.
who’s friends i’m loving.
who’s dreams i’m chasing.
I am currently a Sophomore majoring in Public Relations and Advertising at DePaul. I am from San Diego, California and am nineteen years old. I have published one novel entitled Fifteen Years and continue to work on many poems and short stories in my spare time. When I am not writing I am working as a barista or exploring Chicago.