Category: Issue 4

For this piece, I wanted to make sure the imagery was cohesive and made sense. Olivia [Writing Center tutor] gave positive feedback for this piece, which improved my confidence in my writing. I think it is always helpful to get a healthy mix of positive and constructive feedback on what is working and what isn’t for each piece. Olivia suggested I shift my language in the third stanza to convey better what I meant by “profile.” Originally, I included the word “silhouette,” but I think the revision helped clarify my meaning to ensure a smooth line. By removing the word “silhouette,” the line became more distinct.

I received feedback about the clarity and content of my poem. [Writing Center tutor] suggested altering the eight line of the poem to make it clearer I was referring to the “alcoves of my heart,” which I did by calling it a “hollow nook.” In the final stanza, I originally had a line reading, “i cannot keep my contempt for the trees, fog and rain any longer.” My [tutor] wrote how the first stanza does not seem contemptuous. Her suggestions were to add more negative adjective to the first stanza, or rework that line. I reworked it into “is this a tranquil delusion, or is it hope? / i cannot keep asking the asking the trees, fog, and rain.”

For structure, the comment was on variation in the length of the stanzas— from one line to two to three—to give engaging texture to the poem. Considering this, I changed the structure to make it look more mirrored. By which I mean the layout of the stanzas below earlier was 2,3,1,2,2,3,2,2 whereas they were rearranged to 2,3,2,1,2,3,2. This format helped emphasize an important idea in the middle, and even at the end. This kind of structuring was new to me and going forward it will help me with the flow of the poem.

The most useful feedback I received during this process primarily concerned the rhythmic and musicality of words committed to the page. In poems of mine in the past, I have sometimes struggled to condense my writing into a more consolidated meter; whereas, in this piece there was more emphasis placed on that structurally, which was a valuable area for me to receive feedback on. Feedback was instrumental particularly in the way it helped me either clarify what is meant in the word choice I used regarding the imagery of the piece and forced me to justify the absolute necessity of each word, both in rhythm and content.

Feedback I received revolved around syntax and word choices—adjusting words and phrases that could help move the piece in a way that felt more natural. I struggled with finding a way to end the piece in a cohesive yet impactful way, but I got some really helpful feedback that suggested I circle back to the main idea and mention this “powdered sugar face.” Changing the words to “well-lived” and “well-loved” made the piece flow in a way that ends in a great place. This feedback really made such a difference in my own perceptions of the piece, and I’m extremely grateful the collaborative efforts really got to give this poem a life of its own!

[For] this poem she [the Writing Center tutor] mentioned to specify the train; add a description to the train or mention if it was a Metro or Amtrak. I am from Cincinnati, Ohio, and there is a train near my house. It blows its horn at night, but it’s a much different train than the Metro system here in Chicago. They have different sounds. Chicago is a noisy city. I live on the outskirts of Cincinnati, so it’s quiet and smaller. I like the unspecificity of the train because no matter where you are, if there is a train near you, you can imagine yourself listening to the train and feeling lost in time.

It was helpful to have someone who had not seen my poem and to give me an honest opinion and to take my hands from the wheel to make sure that it applied to a wider audience. I had been looking at it in a humorous sense rather than wanting to stretch the depth that the poem could reach. There have been several iterations of this piece, but the last line (now non-existent for clarity) has changed shape the most. It previously read, “This is overwhelming, and you have transformed me into flat, burnt crisps, singed by your desire.” It took away from the simplicity of the piece. Ending with “(for cookies)” opens it up to more interpretation.