One suggestion that was made was to add more metaphors to the piece. I liked the idea but not the actual conception. When I added on, it made the main idea of the piece vaguer by drawing away from the hammering of the nail that I wanted present in the piece. Instead, I added questions to the end of each numbered paragraph to use the desired figurative language within my piece while still keeping a clear idea of the characterization and story of “you.”
The poem had a beginning that focused on the action but had a weird switch to second person at the end, but luckily my tutor had a really nice suggestion to add a section at the beginning that references said second person; it felt more cohesive and less abrupt making that switch to “but then you look up.” The specificity of her [the tutor’s] ideas and questions for “oh, could you find a word for this” really helped me focus in on the lines in the piece that I felt could be altered to strengthen the central message rather than take away from it. Going forward, I think taking into consideration the impact spacing can have is something useful.
I had a teacher once tell me “kill your darlings”—what she meant is that sometimes the parts of a piece I loved most needed to be cut altogether. The original title of this piece was “eyes like the weather” which has personal, sentimental value but as the piece grew, it didn’t hold the same weight. When the editors asked me to change the title, I thought about where the bulk of the inspiration from the piece came from, which was a conversation at a gas pump. After changing the title, I went through the different images and similes in the piece and recentered them around ~car~ things. I feel like it added theme, cohesion, and made the piece more clear.
I received feedback that the clarity of the piece fell off when I started to introduce new “characters.” The language surprised me because in the piece I talk about my Dad and my Grandma, but it’s true, to the reader they are characters. I realized I needed to expand on the “where” and “who” in the second half of the piece to make the images and experience more clear. I added a line about “unfamiliar rooms” and tied in “corners” to the musical event to give a stronger sense of space. The new capitalization of “We” signifies the royal, familial “We,” as we hold cautious hope for the future of our family, even though it looks different than we expected.
The most helpful piece of feedback for this particular piece was [the comment] that each stanza evoked images. This piece was inspired by an image I had of my mother when I was an infant. I wanted to shape a picture with as few words as I could. The tone from the beginning is somber, melancholic. “Broken Whistle” [and]”Empty Vessel” were phrases [that] sprung to mind when I imagined someone who is emotionally shattered. I felt that deep unspoken sadness a mother carries and decided to reflect on that. I personally liked the last stanza; I thought it captured what I wanted to express in the poem about a woman looking back on her life choices and regrets.
The feedback was mostly helpful in showing me how I needed to separate certain sections of my work so it all flowed a little smoother. That and how certain vocabulary was either too rigged or too snooty for talking about nature. The feedback that was most helpful and most transferable was considering the type of language that’s used throughout a piece of writing and making sure the grammar is fluid. What seems important for now is ensuring a consistent and smooth language style is employed throughout a piece and all grammar stays in check.
The most useful feedback I got was about [the] lines: “I want to make this movie and be the damn director, / I’ll be the costume designer too.” [The feedback] made me focus on how the rhythm of the poem impacts how I will be able to deliver it. I realized that I didn’t want to change anything about the piece as I had edited it several times alone too. This feedback made me feel confident in my word choices, my line breaks, and the overall flow of my poem. This is a real struggle for me, so I really appreciated this feedback and it allowed me to be really happy with the piece as it is now.
I thought Olivia’s [Writing Center tutor] suggestion to elaborate on what a “confident creature” meant was genius. I implemented a few more lines and specificity to really hone in on the feeling of being a confident creature and what that would look like. I gave every bit its own line, which I think improved the clarity a ton. I wanted to use the word “creature” because it adds an element of mystery and discovery to this new version of myself. “Creature” speaks to the in-humanness I feel toward that distant part of myself; it is a protection from becoming too vulnerable and places an emphasis on the alien-ness of feeling confident.
Brady [Writing Center tutor] assisted me specifically with the line length and flow of this poem. I noted that near the end of the poem, the lines stretch out and were aesthetically unpleasing and did not aid in the function of the piece. Brady helped me tighten up verses, and mostly near the end of the poem, I was assisted in adding in some extra line breaks. The feedback that Brady gave me that was most helpful was advice on where to add line breaks. The poem was much less polished than it appears here; this is owed to line breaks in the somewhat free verse form of the piece.
For this piece, I wanted to make sure the imagery was cohesive and made sense. Olivia [Writing Center tutor] gave positive feedback for this piece, which improved my confidence in my writing. I think it is always helpful to get a healthy mix of positive and constructive feedback on what is working and what isn’t for each piece. Olivia suggested I shift my language in the third stanza to convey better what I meant by “profile.” Originally, I included the word “silhouette,” but I think the revision helped clarify my meaning to ensure a smooth line. By removing the word “silhouette,” the line became more distinct.